Our return trip from the Mexican mainland was uneventful. The calm seas provided an extended opportunity for enforced meditation and reflection, and we used the time to formulate a plan for our lives, going forward.

This morning, using the internet, we purchased a small bodega in Cabeza de Cabra, a town south of Loreto. There we will soon open the Nakedly Applied Phrenology Clinic. “Naked” in the business title means that we apply the phrenology nakedly – without pretense. We are not responsible if others choose a different meaning.

Phrenology, of course, is the well-respected science of evaluating human potential through the analysis of head size and shape. Phrenology fell out of favor in the early 1900’s, primarily because it was a dead-end street. It correctly predicted an individual’s future success or failure, but did not provide hope for cranially-challenged humans.

We can change that. We will change that. We will provide hope for change, and recent events prove that people will change almost anything if promised hope. Who has their money, for instance.

Clients will be picked up at the airport in our specially-equipped Sprinter van. During the 47 minute drive to our facility, they will fill out a series of questionnaires while being served a series of increasingly-potent elixirs. By the time they reach the clinic they will only need to stow their clothing in the supplied bin, sign the appropriate legal and financial agreements, slip into an adult diaper, and lie on the designated pallet. From there automated transport, flexible fixturing mechanisms, and robotic surgeons will take over: pushing, prodding, cutting and stapling. Biocompatible stereo-lithography tools will create new cranial contours.

After eight to ten days of storage followed by a through cleaning, the client will be returned to the airport fully altered and complete (and, serendipitously, significantly less obese). Actors will have the huge heads they need to become huge stars. Men of courage will get the square jaws they need to realize their heroic potential. Jug-headed geniuses will literally become egg-heads. Aspiring athletes will return home triumphant, necks thickened and shortened and foreheads minimized.

By the time the Versed wears off, the clients will be back in their old lives, but no longer trapped in their old, inappropriate skulls. They will have hope. And we will have their money.

It’s a foolproof plan.

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